Daft Dictionary (Microfax Jokes Books)

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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

Miley Cyrus. You know when she was born? 1992. I’ve got condiments in my cupboard older than that.” Lucy Beaumont (2014) Josie Long is performing for three nights only at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe (Photo: Idil Sukan)I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition. Just hope I can pull it off.” William Andrews (2018) My girlfriend is absolutely beautiful. Body like a Greek statue – completely pale, no arms.” Phil Wang (2015) If a monkey, a squirrel, and a bird are racing to the top of a coconut tree, who will get the banana first? My Mum was always saying that thing parents say growing up ‘Wait until your dad gets home’. ‘Wait until your dad gets home, we’ll have a chat introduce you and see if he’ll start paying maintenance'” Hayley Ellis (2016)

I dreamt about drowing in an ocean made of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta Sea. A ton. 59. A girl leaves home and turns left three times, only to return home facing two guys wearing masks. Who are the two guys?

I learned about method acting at drama school, when all my classmates stayed in character as posh, patronising twats for the entire three years I was there.” Bridget Christie (2015) January Nelson is a writer, editor, and dreamer. She writes about astrology, games, love, relationships, and entertainment. January graduated with an English and Literature degree from Columbia University. • 4,291,043 There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.” Nish Kumar (2014) The catcher and the umpire. 60. Beth’s mother has three daughters. One is called Lara, the other one is Sara. What is the name of the third daughter? What’s driving Brexit? From here it looks like it’s probably the Duke of Edinburgh” Milton Jones (2019)

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'” – Tim Vine What is the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber? One is a raving showman, the other is a shaving roman.Walk on the living, they don’t even mumble. Walk on the dead, they mutter and grumble. What are they?